glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hippo gnu deer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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