Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
