My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
