Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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