saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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