I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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