Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
