My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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