If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
