You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
