Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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