Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
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So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My bed smells like the plague
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