Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
