Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
