Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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