i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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