I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
