Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
