a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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