id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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