you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
