god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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