My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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