Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
