...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
