Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
