you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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