3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
