I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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