My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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