i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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