I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
