I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
