Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
