Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
