I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
