if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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