I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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