I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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