During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.