all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.