who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.