why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
