my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
