He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
