What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
