At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I cockslap morals
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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