Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
