Swine flu. Run for my life!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
