Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
