I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
