Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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