Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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