I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
