I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the condom got lost in my hair
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This is my gift to your gina
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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