so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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