I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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